What if I told you that the most important thing you need to keep your kids safe online doesn’t come in a box or via a download? And that it doesn’t require you to be monitoring or supervising their every move. And even better – it doesn’t cost any money!! Yep – you’d be interested, I’m sure. After almost 13 years as Cybermum, I’ve experienced plenty of ‘aha’ cybersafety moments. But, without doubt, one of the biggest learnings for me is that creating a family culture where there is calm, honest, and truly open communication is the best way to protect your kids online. In fact, it’s likely far more powerful than the latest apps or software, and here’s why…
Like It Or Not, Screens Are Here To Stay
I’m a big fan of trying to minimise the amount of time kids spend in front of a screen for so many reasons. There is a plethora of research to support how ‘too much’ screen time can adversely affect kids’ behaviour. A 2022 US study of K-12 educators in the US showed that 80% of educators believed that increased screen time worsened children’s behaviour. There are studies that show excessive (and early) screen time can potentially affect a child’s cognitive, linguistic, and social-emotional growth. And even some research shows that the effects of excessive screen time can be similar to the symptoms of autism.
But the reality is that screens aren’t going anywhere soon. We live in a digital world where you actually can’t go about your business without a device and a screen. When was the last time you tried going into a bank branch??? Instead, I believe we need to think of screens a little like we think of sugar. We know it’s not great for us, so we try and minimise our intake.
But how good would it be if our kids understood this perspective, so they also realised that too much screen time wasn’t ideal? Well, they can – weave it into family conversations!
24/7 Monitoring Is Impossible – You Have To Sleep and Work and Live!
When ‘digital parenting’ became a thing about 15 – 20 years ago, we were all told that we needed to constantly monitor our kids to ensure they weren’t visiting inappropriate websites or speaking to strangers online. I remember trying so hard to stay across the online movements of four kids – I’ve got to admit it was quite time-consuming and exhausting!! Full credit to those parents who put in the hours to keep their kids safe.
Fast forward to 2024 and there is now a comprehensive range of ‘parental control’ apps and software that can act as another set of ‘eyes and ears’ for parents. And while they can be great tools to have in your digital parenting toolbox, they are not the silver bullet. What happens when your child is visiting at another family’s house that doesn’t have parental controls set up? What happens if your child uses a friend’s device while travelling home on the bus to ‘get around’ the parental controls at home? And what about, if they work out how to turn them off?? Remember, are digital natives are quite savvy!!
But if you regularly talk online safety with your kids at home then you have a big head start here. In fact, your stress levels should be relatively low. When you make it a priority to talk to your kids about what they do online – in a non-judgemental way – and share your stories, the latest trends and risks then you are in a good place. If your kids know you understand their digital life, know that you can handle the tough stuff, and know with 100% confidence that you are NOT going to go berserk if they come to you with a problem then you do not need to worry about monitoring their every move. You’ve empowered them with knowledge and offered them a safety net – perfect!
How To Create a Culture of Calm and Honest Communication
Before I share my top tips with you I want to make it very clear that this is not an exercise in being a perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect parent – we are all on a journey and learning as we go. So, please don’t feel psyched out or worry that it’s too late. We’re all doing the best we can to raise our kids – so just keep on keeping on!
There are a few key things that I believe contribute to creating a top-notch communication culture in a family. Here are my top recommendations.
- Active Listening Is Essential
I learnt pretty early on in my parenting career that if you’re not being an active listener, you’re not really getting the full story. Active listening happens when you’re fully engaged with your child and is one of the best ways to communicate that you care and that you’re interested which in turn encourages them to open up more. Perfect! Here’s what I suggest:
- Use body language to show you’re paying attention – make eye contact, face them, and be at their level (if they are shorter than you)
- Pay attention to their facial expression and body language too. Sometimes words only tell part of the story.
- Ask questions to encourage them to share more ‘tell me more’ or ‘what happened next?’
- Don’t finish their sentences or interrupt – even if they are stalling or struggling to find the right words. Bite your tongue, if you need to!
- Resist the urge to problem-solve straight away. Sometimes they just need someone to listen and share with.
- Commit To Being Calm
Let’s be honest, very few of us are calm or relaxed 365 days of the year! But if you’re keen to maximise the chances that your kids will come to you if they do find themselves in a tricky situation then you need to ‘fake it till you make it’ my friends!
Conflict and heated discussions with teens are inevitable – I’ve definitely had my fair share! But it’s how you work through it that’s important. If you want a truly open and honest relationship with your child where they feel safe to talk about awkward things like sex, alcohol, cyberbullying, and even pornography, then you need to be ready to manage your own feelings and reactions when you hear things that you don’t expect or simply don’t like.
If you’re struggling to remain calm and deal with emotions from conversations with your teen then why not take some time to invest in yourself? Hit the road and walk it off, find some breathing exercises or a meditation on YouTube, or pick up the phone and call a friend. By role-modelling honest conversation and a calm approach, you’re teaching your children how to be respectful and calm and have open and tough conversations. What a life skill!
And if you can’t manage to remain calm and you lose your cool – simply apologise, give them a hug, and commit to doing better next time.
- Don’t Shy Away From The Tricky Stuff eg Sex, Pornography and Cyberbullying
When I was growing up, I had a few friends who had very open relationships with their parents. Everything was discussed – nothing was off-limits! These friends all had a certain confidence, a knowing that they had someone in their corner who had their back, wouldn’t judge, and would be their ‘come what may’ for any situation. I was a little jealous!
Talking to your kids about sex, pornography, and cyberbullying can be really stressful. But there is so much research that shows that proactive conversations about tricky topics such as sex can be really beneficial. A review of research on British parents’ involvement in sex education found that they often felt embarrassed about broaching the subject with their kids. The same review compared this to countries such as Sweden where parents talked openly to their children about sex from an early age. It attributed the difference in approaches to the higher rates of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases in England and Wales. Fascinating!
How To Talk About The Tricky Stuff
- Start As Early As You Can
Start by teaching them the correct names for body parts. When they start preschool or school, you can teach them about respecting others and also about how to express their feelings. This will set them up for open and honest conversations and relationships.
- Acknowledge The Awkwardness
Own the fact that it may feel really embarrassing or awkward when chatting to your kids about these topics. Perhaps make a joke of it. But assure them you’re going to do your best to help them navigate these issues and that you can absolutely handle it.
- It’s Not ‘One and Done’
Why not break it up into small regular chats and take the pressure off? One big talk is overwhelming and could feel really awkward and pressured. A little bit of chatter often will feel more natural. Why not use films, books, or movies as a trigger for a conversation? The more natural and less contrived it feels, the more relaxed and receptive everyone will be.
- Don’t Be Judgemental
Expressing disapproval or shock when your kids are sharing something tricky with you is the fastest way to shut down communication. So stop yourself! And if they do share something that surprises you, make sure you thank them and suggest you both talk about it more so you can better understand.
Now, if you have tweens or teens and you regret not prioritising your family’s communication culture earlier, do not stress. It’s never too late to make a difference! Yes, there might be a whole lot of awkwardness, but it will absolutely pass. Share stories of your online life, and news stories that you will start a conversation with, ask them questions about their online life, and most importantly, be calm and don’t be critical or negative when they start sharing. Otherwise, it will be over ASAP.
You can absolutely handle this!
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